I've been hassled a ton to write, every time I post one of my random, silly conversations with Rascal or adventures trying to stop the border collies from mismanaging the sheep farm.
I really don't have time to compile a book, but for now, I've compiled them all to this blog on the idea that they are easily findable. And maybe someday can be re-written into something much more legible and normal. Maybe.
Going forward, I will post them here.
I actually still have one or two more to pull from instagram from last winter.
Otherwise, if anyone actually reads this drivel, Enjoy! Sherry, Shannon, Di... this is for you guys.
When life goes awry...the adventures in misadventure of a hapless human and her cohorts in crime!
Monday, 8 October 2018
On overthinking...
Way #86339 how to irritate your trainer:
Trainer: stop overthinking it.
Me: can’t. If I wasn’t thinking I’d be dead.
T: ...
Me: you WANT ME TO BE DEAD??????
😢
T:
🙄
🤣🤣🤣
Trainer: stop overthinking it.
Me: can’t. If I wasn’t thinking I’d be dead.
T: ...
Me: you WANT ME TO BE DEAD??????
😢T:
🙄🤣🤣🤣
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- September 27, 2018
On last night's conversations with Mr. Adorable himself, the one and only Butterball Tee-Bee, hapless bolts from a crappy day at work to wander to the barn for a therapeutic visit and ride. It's been exactly two weeks since she's laid eyes on his highness, the prince of fat-thoroughbrededness.
When hapless parks the Jeep, butterball does not even glance up from his hay, because clearly that can't be the jeep he heard, because he has definitely been ABANDONED. (Because he's not dramatic at all).
Hapless: "Come on, two weeks and you forget what my Jeep sounds like?"
Butterball's head shoots up: "OHHHHHH YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!" he nickers, LOUDLY.
Hapless' heart grows ten sizes: "Awwwwww, you MISSED me!!!"
Butterball: "Noooooo, the mouth missed cookies. You should feed the mouth." He books it towards the gate in anticipation of his after-ride cookies.
Hapless is stopped in her tracks. "Ohhhhh, so this is a bad time to apologize for forgetting to replenish the cookie supply?"
Butterball stops in his own tracks. "If you're gonna make me work and don't have cookies afterwards, then you may catch me in the mud."
Thanks a lot, bud. I suppose I deserved that. Note to self: Replenish cookie supply.
Note to butterball: Thanks for being a rockstar anyways. There's a reason you're the best horse ever.
(Butterball: Yeah. Cause it gets me cookies. WHERE ARE THEY?)
When hapless parks the Jeep, butterball does not even glance up from his hay, because clearly that can't be the jeep he heard, because he has definitely been ABANDONED. (Because he's not dramatic at all).
Hapless: "Come on, two weeks and you forget what my Jeep sounds like?"
Butterball's head shoots up: "OHHHHHH YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!" he nickers, LOUDLY.
Hapless' heart grows ten sizes: "Awwwwww, you MISSED me!!!"
Butterball: "Noooooo, the mouth missed cookies. You should feed the mouth." He books it towards the gate in anticipation of his after-ride cookies.
Hapless is stopped in her tracks. "Ohhhhh, so this is a bad time to apologize for forgetting to replenish the cookie supply?"
Butterball stops in his own tracks. "If you're gonna make me work and don't have cookies afterwards, then you may catch me in the mud."
Thanks a lot, bud. I suppose I deserved that. Note to self: Replenish cookie supply.
Note to butterball: Thanks for being a rockstar anyways. There's a reason you're the best horse ever.
(Butterball: Yeah. Cause it gets me cookies. WHERE ARE THEY?)
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- August 11, 2018
On today’s episode of Conversations with the not-so-butterball teebee, butterball is practice his groundtying routine.
Until he wasn’t.
Hapless came back from putting stuff away to find butterball marching his disobedient butt out of the crossties........
....... and into the nearest stall.
Hapless: dude.... that is not groundtying and you don’t get indoor board. Too much $$. Nice try though.
Butterball: ......
Hapless catches butterball and clips him in the crossties.
Butterball: but......
Hapless ignores butterballs complaint and wanders off to take her boots off. She comes back to a lake of yellow in the crossties.
Butterball: well, I tried to go pee in shavings....
So yeah. My horse is potty trained but I’m too dumb to clue in.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Until he wasn’t.
Hapless came back from putting stuff away to find butterball marching his disobedient butt out of the crossties........
....... and into the nearest stall.
Hapless: dude.... that is not groundtying and you don’t get indoor board. Too much $$. Nice try though.
Butterball: ......
Hapless catches butterball and clips him in the crossties.
Butterball: but......
Hapless ignores butterballs complaint and wanders off to take her boots off. She comes back to a lake of yellow in the crossties.
Butterball: well, I tried to go pee in shavings....
So yeah. My horse is potty trained but I’m too dumb to clue in.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- July 10, 2018
On tonight’s episode of conversations with the butterball tee-bee, hapless and butterball are cantering a 10m circle.
All of a sudden out of nowhere, BOOM! A gunshot!
Hapless: “omigod we’re gonna die!!!!!”
Butterball: ”huh?”
Hapless: “holy crap what was that?”
Butterball: “thunder. It happens a lot. And since you’ve gone all retarded-monkey about it and quit riding ima walk now cause it’s easier.”
Trainer: “wtf?! Don’t stop!”
Hapless: “not his fault - the thunder scared me! Holy crap that was thunder!”
Butterball: “aaaannnnddddd the lightbulb goes on. Wow. Miracles do happen!”
Hapless: “shaddup and canter. But don’t spook please.”
Butterball: “finnnne, lightbulb lady. You just remember who WASN’T scared and who babysat your chicken ass when the cookies get rationed out tonight, got it?”
Yes, sir. Absolutely sir. We all know whose the boss around here, don’t we....
And who the real chickenshit is, apparently....
All of a sudden out of nowhere, BOOM! A gunshot!
Hapless: “omigod we’re gonna die!!!!!”
Butterball: ”huh?”
Hapless: “holy crap what was that?”
Butterball: “thunder. It happens a lot. And since you’ve gone all retarded-monkey about it and quit riding ima walk now cause it’s easier.”
Trainer: “wtf?! Don’t stop!”
Hapless: “not his fault - the thunder scared me! Holy crap that was thunder!”
Butterball: “aaaannnnddddd the lightbulb goes on. Wow. Miracles do happen!”
Hapless: “shaddup and canter. But don’t spook please.”
Butterball: “finnnne, lightbulb lady. You just remember who WASN’T scared and who babysat your chicken ass when the cookies get rationed out tonight, got it?”
Yes, sir. Absolutely sir. We all know whose the boss around here, don’t we....
And who the real chickenshit is, apparently....
Adventures of a Mutton-Buster - December 14, 2016
On today's episode of adventures of a mutton buster we present:
The Great Futile War of Ol' Roy.
Two creatures, both alike in dignity (and in belief that they run this shit show) in Permafrost Alberta, where we lay our scene.
The players:
Hapless Human (cue fb profile pic)
Denny-the-magnificent
The war:
Hapless: stuffs two empty dog food bags together And shoves them into the garbage bin.
Denny: waits until Hapless is sleeping (not hard since Hapless is one of those lazy creatures who sleeps every night) and retrieves empty bags, relocating them to a much more suitable location.
Hapless: collects bags and returns to garbage bin, ensuring well stuffed down (again)
Denny: sighs. Waits until hapless is occupied and retrieves bags again, returning them to her preferred location.
Hapless: discovers bags. Rolls eyes. Retrieves and restuffs.
Denny: glares. Waits until Hapless is sleeping (again) and recollects her preciousssssssseeeessssss to return them to their place of honour.
Hapless: gives up.
#iamahorribledogwhisperer
(Denny : #besthumanwhispererever! She's finally learning. Now, to cuddle with my preeeeeeccccciiiooooouuusssseeesssss)
The Great Futile War of Ol' Roy.
Two creatures, both alike in dignity (and in belief that they run this shit show) in Permafrost Alberta, where we lay our scene.
The players:
Hapless Human (cue fb profile pic)
Denny-the-magnificent
The war:
Hapless: stuffs two empty dog food bags together And shoves them into the garbage bin.
Denny: waits until Hapless is sleeping (not hard since Hapless is one of those lazy creatures who sleeps every night) and retrieves empty bags, relocating them to a much more suitable location.
Hapless: collects bags and returns to garbage bin, ensuring well stuffed down (again)
Denny: sighs. Waits until hapless is occupied and retrieves bags again, returning them to her preferred location.
Hapless: discovers bags. Rolls eyes. Retrieves and restuffs.
Denny: glares. Waits until Hapless is sleeping (again) and recollects her preciousssssssseeeessssss to return them to their place of honour.
Hapless: gives up.
#iamahorribledogwhisperer
(Denny : #besthumanwhispererever! She's finally learning. Now, to cuddle with my preeeeeeccccciiiooooouuusssseeesssss)
Adventures of a mutton buster - December 6, 2016
Well, I wanted a distraction from examresultsinducedanxiety but I didn't expect the distraction to induce more!
Today's episode of adventures of a mutton buster found the hapless human trundling to the barn all bundled up like a Xmas goose. first stop: feed ewe and lambs.
Hapless wanders in and grabs chopped grain, portioning out lambs breakfast. Next, grab the bucket of barley. Hapless lifts smaller bucket out without looking, and suddenly there's frantic Scratching noises!
A demon is in the grain!
Hapless shrieks like a girl and flings bucket without letting go (no need to waste good grain afterall) and out flies SUPERMOUSE! (Missing his cape). Hapless continues to shriek like the girl that she is. "Dusty! Dusty! Dusty come deal with this!"
Sadly, while Dusty probably heard hapless all the way out in the green fields of rainbow bridge, he cannot return to the farm to save the day. (Good dogs should live forever dammit!!!!!😢)
Hapless tries the white dog. "Denny! Get it!" White dog tracks mouse to lamb enclosure and shrugs.
"Too late. I don't fit through the panel."
Tornado dog Rocky huddles in the corner. "We're all gonna die!!!"
Ewe and lambs stare at us all in disgust. "Get over it and feed us you fool!"
On the upshot. I am guaranteed that all of my arteries are clear after that got my blood pumping!
Today's episode of adventures of a mutton buster found the hapless human trundling to the barn all bundled up like a Xmas goose. first stop: feed ewe and lambs.
Hapless wanders in and grabs chopped grain, portioning out lambs breakfast. Next, grab the bucket of barley. Hapless lifts smaller bucket out without looking, and suddenly there's frantic Scratching noises!
A demon is in the grain!
Hapless shrieks like a girl and flings bucket without letting go (no need to waste good grain afterall) and out flies SUPERMOUSE! (Missing his cape). Hapless continues to shriek like the girl that she is. "Dusty! Dusty! Dusty come deal with this!"
Sadly, while Dusty probably heard hapless all the way out in the green fields of rainbow bridge, he cannot return to the farm to save the day. (Good dogs should live forever dammit!!!!!
😢)Hapless tries the white dog. "Denny! Get it!" White dog tracks mouse to lamb enclosure and shrugs.
"Too late. I don't fit through the panel."
Tornado dog Rocky huddles in the corner. "We're all gonna die!!!"
Ewe and lambs stare at us all in disgust. "Get over it and feed us you fool!"
On the upshot. I am guaranteed that all of my arteries are clear after that got my blood pumping!
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