I've been hassled a ton to write, every time I post one of my random, silly conversations with Rascal or adventures trying to stop the border collies from mismanaging the sheep farm.
I really don't have time to compile a book, but for now, I've compiled them all to this blog on the idea that they are easily findable. And maybe someday can be re-written into something much more legible and normal. Maybe.
Going forward, I will post them here.
I actually still have one or two more to pull from instagram from last winter.
Otherwise, if anyone actually reads this drivel, Enjoy! Sherry, Shannon, Di... this is for you guys.
When life goes awry...the adventures in misadventure of a hapless human and her cohorts in crime!
Monday, 8 October 2018
On overthinking...
Way #86339 how to irritate your trainer:
Trainer: stop overthinking it.
Me: can’t. If I wasn’t thinking I’d be dead.
T: ...
Me: you WANT ME TO BE DEAD??????
😢
T:
🙄
🤣🤣🤣
Trainer: stop overthinking it.
Me: can’t. If I wasn’t thinking I’d be dead.
T: ...
Me: you WANT ME TO BE DEAD??????
😢T:
🙄🤣🤣🤣
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- September 27, 2018
On last night's conversations with Mr. Adorable himself, the one and only Butterball Tee-Bee, hapless bolts from a crappy day at work to wander to the barn for a therapeutic visit and ride. It's been exactly two weeks since she's laid eyes on his highness, the prince of fat-thoroughbrededness.
When hapless parks the Jeep, butterball does not even glance up from his hay, because clearly that can't be the jeep he heard, because he has definitely been ABANDONED. (Because he's not dramatic at all).
Hapless: "Come on, two weeks and you forget what my Jeep sounds like?"
Butterball's head shoots up: "OHHHHHH YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!" he nickers, LOUDLY.
Hapless' heart grows ten sizes: "Awwwwww, you MISSED me!!!"
Butterball: "Noooooo, the mouth missed cookies. You should feed the mouth." He books it towards the gate in anticipation of his after-ride cookies.
Hapless is stopped in her tracks. "Ohhhhh, so this is a bad time to apologize for forgetting to replenish the cookie supply?"
Butterball stops in his own tracks. "If you're gonna make me work and don't have cookies afterwards, then you may catch me in the mud."
Thanks a lot, bud. I suppose I deserved that. Note to self: Replenish cookie supply.
Note to butterball: Thanks for being a rockstar anyways. There's a reason you're the best horse ever.
(Butterball: Yeah. Cause it gets me cookies. WHERE ARE THEY?)
When hapless parks the Jeep, butterball does not even glance up from his hay, because clearly that can't be the jeep he heard, because he has definitely been ABANDONED. (Because he's not dramatic at all).
Hapless: "Come on, two weeks and you forget what my Jeep sounds like?"
Butterball's head shoots up: "OHHHHHH YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!" he nickers, LOUDLY.
Hapless' heart grows ten sizes: "Awwwwww, you MISSED me!!!"
Butterball: "Noooooo, the mouth missed cookies. You should feed the mouth." He books it towards the gate in anticipation of his after-ride cookies.
Hapless is stopped in her tracks. "Ohhhhh, so this is a bad time to apologize for forgetting to replenish the cookie supply?"
Butterball stops in his own tracks. "If you're gonna make me work and don't have cookies afterwards, then you may catch me in the mud."
Thanks a lot, bud. I suppose I deserved that. Note to self: Replenish cookie supply.
Note to butterball: Thanks for being a rockstar anyways. There's a reason you're the best horse ever.
(Butterball: Yeah. Cause it gets me cookies. WHERE ARE THEY?)
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- August 11, 2018
On today’s episode of Conversations with the not-so-butterball teebee, butterball is practice his groundtying routine.
Until he wasn’t.
Hapless came back from putting stuff away to find butterball marching his disobedient butt out of the crossties........
....... and into the nearest stall.
Hapless: dude.... that is not groundtying and you don’t get indoor board. Too much $$. Nice try though.
Butterball: ......
Hapless catches butterball and clips him in the crossties.
Butterball: but......
Hapless ignores butterballs complaint and wanders off to take her boots off. She comes back to a lake of yellow in the crossties.
Butterball: well, I tried to go pee in shavings....
So yeah. My horse is potty trained but I’m too dumb to clue in.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Until he wasn’t.
Hapless came back from putting stuff away to find butterball marching his disobedient butt out of the crossties........
....... and into the nearest stall.
Hapless: dude.... that is not groundtying and you don’t get indoor board. Too much $$. Nice try though.
Butterball: ......
Hapless catches butterball and clips him in the crossties.
Butterball: but......
Hapless ignores butterballs complaint and wanders off to take her boots off. She comes back to a lake of yellow in the crossties.
Butterball: well, I tried to go pee in shavings....
So yeah. My horse is potty trained but I’m too dumb to clue in.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- July 10, 2018
On tonight’s episode of conversations with the butterball tee-bee, hapless and butterball are cantering a 10m circle.
All of a sudden out of nowhere, BOOM! A gunshot!
Hapless: “omigod we’re gonna die!!!!!”
Butterball: ”huh?”
Hapless: “holy crap what was that?”
Butterball: “thunder. It happens a lot. And since you’ve gone all retarded-monkey about it and quit riding ima walk now cause it’s easier.”
Trainer: “wtf?! Don’t stop!”
Hapless: “not his fault - the thunder scared me! Holy crap that was thunder!”
Butterball: “aaaannnnddddd the lightbulb goes on. Wow. Miracles do happen!”
Hapless: “shaddup and canter. But don’t spook please.”
Butterball: “finnnne, lightbulb lady. You just remember who WASN’T scared and who babysat your chicken ass when the cookies get rationed out tonight, got it?”
Yes, sir. Absolutely sir. We all know whose the boss around here, don’t we....
And who the real chickenshit is, apparently....
All of a sudden out of nowhere, BOOM! A gunshot!
Hapless: “omigod we’re gonna die!!!!!”
Butterball: ”huh?”
Hapless: “holy crap what was that?”
Butterball: “thunder. It happens a lot. And since you’ve gone all retarded-monkey about it and quit riding ima walk now cause it’s easier.”
Trainer: “wtf?! Don’t stop!”
Hapless: “not his fault - the thunder scared me! Holy crap that was thunder!”
Butterball: “aaaannnnddddd the lightbulb goes on. Wow. Miracles do happen!”
Hapless: “shaddup and canter. But don’t spook please.”
Butterball: “finnnne, lightbulb lady. You just remember who WASN’T scared and who babysat your chicken ass when the cookies get rationed out tonight, got it?”
Yes, sir. Absolutely sir. We all know whose the boss around here, don’t we....
And who the real chickenshit is, apparently....
Adventures of a Mutton-Buster - December 14, 2016
On today's episode of adventures of a mutton buster we present:
The Great Futile War of Ol' Roy.
Two creatures, both alike in dignity (and in belief that they run this shit show) in Permafrost Alberta, where we lay our scene.
The players:
Hapless Human (cue fb profile pic)
Denny-the-magnificent
The war:
Hapless: stuffs two empty dog food bags together And shoves them into the garbage bin.
Denny: waits until Hapless is sleeping (not hard since Hapless is one of those lazy creatures who sleeps every night) and retrieves empty bags, relocating them to a much more suitable location.
Hapless: collects bags and returns to garbage bin, ensuring well stuffed down (again)
Denny: sighs. Waits until hapless is occupied and retrieves bags again, returning them to her preferred location.
Hapless: discovers bags. Rolls eyes. Retrieves and restuffs.
Denny: glares. Waits until Hapless is sleeping (again) and recollects her preciousssssssseeeessssss to return them to their place of honour.
Hapless: gives up.
#iamahorribledogwhisperer
(Denny : #besthumanwhispererever! She's finally learning. Now, to cuddle with my preeeeeeccccciiiooooouuusssseeesssss)
The Great Futile War of Ol' Roy.
Two creatures, both alike in dignity (and in belief that they run this shit show) in Permafrost Alberta, where we lay our scene.
The players:
Hapless Human (cue fb profile pic)
Denny-the-magnificent
The war:
Hapless: stuffs two empty dog food bags together And shoves them into the garbage bin.
Denny: waits until Hapless is sleeping (not hard since Hapless is one of those lazy creatures who sleeps every night) and retrieves empty bags, relocating them to a much more suitable location.
Hapless: collects bags and returns to garbage bin, ensuring well stuffed down (again)
Denny: sighs. Waits until hapless is occupied and retrieves bags again, returning them to her preferred location.
Hapless: discovers bags. Rolls eyes. Retrieves and restuffs.
Denny: glares. Waits until Hapless is sleeping (again) and recollects her preciousssssssseeeessssss to return them to their place of honour.
Hapless: gives up.
#iamahorribledogwhisperer
(Denny : #besthumanwhispererever! She's finally learning. Now, to cuddle with my preeeeeeccccciiiooooouuusssseeesssss)
Adventures of a mutton buster - December 6, 2016
Well, I wanted a distraction from examresultsinducedanxiety but I didn't expect the distraction to induce more!
Today's episode of adventures of a mutton buster found the hapless human trundling to the barn all bundled up like a Xmas goose. first stop: feed ewe and lambs.
Hapless wanders in and grabs chopped grain, portioning out lambs breakfast. Next, grab the bucket of barley. Hapless lifts smaller bucket out without looking, and suddenly there's frantic Scratching noises!
A demon is in the grain!
Hapless shrieks like a girl and flings bucket without letting go (no need to waste good grain afterall) and out flies SUPERMOUSE! (Missing his cape). Hapless continues to shriek like the girl that she is. "Dusty! Dusty! Dusty come deal with this!"
Sadly, while Dusty probably heard hapless all the way out in the green fields of rainbow bridge, he cannot return to the farm to save the day. (Good dogs should live forever dammit!!!!!😢)
Hapless tries the white dog. "Denny! Get it!" White dog tracks mouse to lamb enclosure and shrugs.
"Too late. I don't fit through the panel."
Tornado dog Rocky huddles in the corner. "We're all gonna die!!!"
Ewe and lambs stare at us all in disgust. "Get over it and feed us you fool!"
On the upshot. I am guaranteed that all of my arteries are clear after that got my blood pumping!
Today's episode of adventures of a mutton buster found the hapless human trundling to the barn all bundled up like a Xmas goose. first stop: feed ewe and lambs.
Hapless wanders in and grabs chopped grain, portioning out lambs breakfast. Next, grab the bucket of barley. Hapless lifts smaller bucket out without looking, and suddenly there's frantic Scratching noises!
A demon is in the grain!
Hapless shrieks like a girl and flings bucket without letting go (no need to waste good grain afterall) and out flies SUPERMOUSE! (Missing his cape). Hapless continues to shriek like the girl that she is. "Dusty! Dusty! Dusty come deal with this!"
Sadly, while Dusty probably heard hapless all the way out in the green fields of rainbow bridge, he cannot return to the farm to save the day. (Good dogs should live forever dammit!!!!!
😢)Hapless tries the white dog. "Denny! Get it!" White dog tracks mouse to lamb enclosure and shrugs.
"Too late. I don't fit through the panel."
Tornado dog Rocky huddles in the corner. "We're all gonna die!!!"
Ewe and lambs stare at us all in disgust. "Get over it and feed us you fool!"
On the upshot. I am guaranteed that all of my arteries are clear after that got my blood pumping!
Adventures of a mutton buster - October 28, 2016
On Friday's episode of Adventures of a Mutton Buster, the hapless human gains a foothold.
After insisting that despite being right handed, the tetanus shot should go in the right arm (so the sore arm coincided with the injured hand so that at least hapless had one good arm, even if it's the usually half useless one), hapless managed chores like a BOSS.
Not only that, but the sheep escape hatch has been sealed. Get through that, you woolly brats!
Hapless stayed vertical, and clean. Progress!
Hope that setup holds. Dragging creep panels with one good arm is not easy.
The border collies don't get to take charge yet! Hapless has this under control!
And a random dogs and sheep pic for good measure
Adventures of a mutton buster - October 28, 2016
Yesterday's adventures of a mutton buster concluded with more sheep absconding to the forbidden pasture, and the hapless shepherd trying to move them in the dark. During the course of evening chores hapless learned the following valuable life lessons:
1. 5 border collies is overkill
2. Sketcher gowalks are super comfortable but entirely unsuitable for traversing mud in the dark
3. After retrieval from mud, shoving mud covered feet into them feels disgusting and makes it harder to keep them on
4. Walking along the gate, using said gate as a crutch sounds like a good idea to avoid being sucked into the quicksand masquerading as mud... Until you puncture your hand on a jagged piece of gate.
5. This is even more problematic when the gate is very very rusty
6. The web between thumb and forefinger bleeds lots and hurts like a damn when punctured
7. Just when you think it can't get any worse, life will humiliate you in front of gleeful border collies when you slip in the mud and go flying.... Flat onto your back.
8. After that much drama, you are almost guaranteed to send a quasi-irreverent text about stabbings and tetanus to the wrong frigging person.
Hapless had a bad day. On the schedule today: tetanus and antibiotics. Because red. Swollen. Bloody painful. Murphy loves the hapless shepherd.
Border collies are positive that this is proof that they should be running this shit show, cause the human is obviously incompetent.
Sometimes. You just have to find the humour in the situation.
Ps: mud is hard to get out of shoes once it is in there.
1. 5 border collies is overkill
2. Sketcher gowalks are super comfortable but entirely unsuitable for traversing mud in the dark
3. After retrieval from mud, shoving mud covered feet into them feels disgusting and makes it harder to keep them on
4. Walking along the gate, using said gate as a crutch sounds like a good idea to avoid being sucked into the quicksand masquerading as mud... Until you puncture your hand on a jagged piece of gate.
5. This is even more problematic when the gate is very very rusty
6. The web between thumb and forefinger bleeds lots and hurts like a damn when punctured
7. Just when you think it can't get any worse, life will humiliate you in front of gleeful border collies when you slip in the mud and go flying.... Flat onto your back.
8. After that much drama, you are almost guaranteed to send a quasi-irreverent text about stabbings and tetanus to the wrong frigging person.
Hapless had a bad day. On the schedule today: tetanus and antibiotics. Because red. Swollen. Bloody painful. Murphy loves the hapless shepherd.
Border collies are positive that this is proof that they should be running this shit show, cause the human is obviously incompetent.
Sometimes. You just have to find the humour in the situation.
Ps: mud is hard to get out of shoes once it is in there.
Adventures of a mutton buster - October 27, 2016
On today's episode of adventures of a mutton buster, we learn the following: When in doubt, drop your dog.
This is the face (in cleaner, less muddy times) of the dog who saved the day this morning (after he complicated it, of course). Two woollies got into the side of the pasture that houses the opening to all the hay. Star herding dog in training was off exploring (or maybe bugging Rams), so I was left with chief dogs and Rocky and box-o-Rox, my very own much loved but kind of retarded wannabe sheep chaser (not to be confused with herding).
While I opened the gate to move them through, the woollies hung out and waited until box-o-Rox ran at them excitedly and they charged up a hill. Rox got in trouble. Once gate was opened I Asked old chief dog (Dot) to fetch them back, and rox went barrelling up the hill ahead of her in a .... Wait... A rather nice, wide outrun! Whoa, where did that come from?
Sheep barrel back down the hill. Sensing disaster, the hapless shepherd hollered "nano, lie down!!".
Rox dropped like a heavyweight anchor and didn't so much as creep a foot forward until the sheep were through the gate and back with the flock.
He is now notably proud of himself.... I would love to say that he's smarter than I thought but mostly I think "lie down" is just obviously his best command.
But the fact that he did it in a flash from half the pasture away with sheep excitement in the midst is pretty darned impressive. Now if he stays out of the slough tonight maybe he can sleep in the bedroom.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- December 4, 2015 -- PART 2
On part two of Today's episode of Conversations with the Butterball TB, we find Hapless pretending she knows how to canter around the arena. It would appear that Butterball has resigned himself to the ridiculous early-morning workout, as he is cantering beautifully along.
Butterball: "Canter canter canter. Favorite gait. Canter canter canter. OOOH, those barrels are still on the wall by the muck bucket."
Hapless: "They have been for the whole ride."
Butterball: "I know. I think they're waiting for me to spook at them. I'll do that this time."
Hapless: "You're not scared of the barrels."
Butterball: "Well DUH, of course I'm not. Here we go!"
Hapless: "Don't you d----"
Butterball: "SPOOK!"
Hapless: "What the hell was that?"
Butterball: "I spooked at the barrels, DUH...."
Hapless: "You flipped your nose up and your shoulders jumped into the middle of the arena. THAT was a spook?"
Butterball: "Yup."
Hapless: "You're ridiculous."
Butterball: "You're just to dumb to know a good spook when you see one. Canter Canter Canter."
Hapless: "Good grief."
And so we continue cantering. And then..
Butterball: "Shit. My butt forgot to spook."
And that would be a fail, Rascal. That would definitely be a fail.
Good ride
Butterball: "Canter canter canter. Favorite gait. Canter canter canter. OOOH, those barrels are still on the wall by the muck bucket."
Hapless: "They have been for the whole ride."
Butterball: "I know. I think they're waiting for me to spook at them. I'll do that this time."
Hapless: "You're not scared of the barrels."
Butterball: "Well DUH, of course I'm not. Here we go!"
Hapless: "Don't you d----"
Butterball: "SPOOK!"
Hapless: "What the hell was that?"
Butterball: "I spooked at the barrels, DUH...."
Hapless: "You flipped your nose up and your shoulders jumped into the middle of the arena. THAT was a spook?"
Butterball: "Yup."
Hapless: "You're ridiculous."
Butterball: "You're just to dumb to know a good spook when you see one. Canter Canter Canter."
Hapless: "Good grief."
And so we continue cantering. And then..
Butterball: "Shit. My butt forgot to spook."
And that would be a fail, Rascal. That would definitely be a fail.
Good ride
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- December 4, 2015 - PART 1
On today episode of Conversations with the Butterball, Boogerbrain TB, Hapless trudges out (sleepy and late) to find Butterball feeling extra personality-full.
First, he was hiding behind is Bro, Gulls (The great Bro-mance between these two is a story for another time).
Gulliver: "Sorry, Hapless. He's not here."
Hapless: "He told you to say that?"
Gulliver: "Somethin' like that. Wait, why are you walking around me? You're not supposed to walk around me. I'm guarding the shelter entrance for a reason!"
Butterball: "GO AWAY. I'm sleeping here. Baby Jesus is in the manger with one wise man guarding me."
(NOTE: It is difficult to halter a horse who is passively resistantly trying to turn you into a pillow. Heads are heavy. But eventually it is accomplished.)
Hapless: "Gonna get up now?"
Butterball: "Well...okkkk... Oops, nope, just fell over. Gonna stay flat out now."
Hapless: "SERIOUSLY?"
Butterball: "Serious as a nap in straw. You should try this. It's great. Come be my pillow."
Hapless: "You should get up. It's greater. Gulls, get your ass outta my way."
Gulliver: "My ass is protecting Rascal from having to leave me."
Hapless: "It's 6am. You're both ridiculous."
Gullver: "No comment but my ass ain't moving. Oh, and since you're practically leaning on it, it's time for me to poop."
Butterball. "It's SIX AM. I WAS SLEEPING. YOU'RE RIDICULOUS."
Hapless: "If I cluck like a turkey will you get up?
Butterball: "Um....."
Finally, he heaves himself to his feet with as much drama as possible, including wacking his head on the side of the shelter. And then trudged inside. Pretty sure he was still grumbling about his ridiculous human and early morning wake up calls.
First, he was hiding behind is Bro, Gulls (The great Bro-mance between these two is a story for another time).
Gulliver: "Sorry, Hapless. He's not here."
Hapless: "He told you to say that?"
Gulliver: "Somethin' like that. Wait, why are you walking around me? You're not supposed to walk around me. I'm guarding the shelter entrance for a reason!"
Butterball: "GO AWAY. I'm sleeping here. Baby Jesus is in the manger with one wise man guarding me."
(NOTE: It is difficult to halter a horse who is passively resistantly trying to turn you into a pillow. Heads are heavy. But eventually it is accomplished.)
Hapless: "Gonna get up now?"
Butterball: "Well...okkkk... Oops, nope, just fell over. Gonna stay flat out now."
Hapless: "SERIOUSLY?"
Butterball: "Serious as a nap in straw. You should try this. It's great. Come be my pillow."
Hapless: "You should get up. It's greater. Gulls, get your ass outta my way."
Gulliver: "My ass is protecting Rascal from having to leave me."
Hapless: "It's 6am. You're both ridiculous."
Gullver: "No comment but my ass ain't moving. Oh, and since you're practically leaning on it, it's time for me to poop."
Butterball. "It's SIX AM. I WAS SLEEPING. YOU'RE RIDICULOUS."
Hapless: "If I cluck like a turkey will you get up?
Butterball: "Um....."
Finally, he heaves himself to his feet with as much drama as possible, including wacking his head on the side of the shelter. And then trudged inside. Pretty sure he was still grumbling about his ridiculous human and early morning wake up calls.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee --- June 28, 2015
On today's episode of conversations with the spoiled rotten thoroughbred, his hapless human generously offered to sit in the shade of a tree while he enjoyed some grass. He's happily eating and She's happily messing around on her phone when she looks up to find his sexy muscly butt pointing directly at her.
Hapless "excuse me dude, but I don't want your shod back feet in my face"
Spoiled-rotten-tb : "so move. I'm eating here."
So she moved. And then he wandered further away to eat elsewhere. Nice to see you appreciate it, buddy.
Hapless "excuse me dude, but I don't want your shod back feet in my face"
Spoiled-rotten-tb : "so move. I'm eating here."
So she moved. And then he wandered further away to eat elsewhere. Nice to see you appreciate it, buddy.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- September 8, 2014
On today's episode of Conversations with the FUZZBALL TeeBee, the hapless human ventured out in what was black and white all at the same time, in the wee hours, for our Monday morning ride.
As Hapless approaches, Butter...err...FUZZball, marches to the gate.
HH: "What the heck, dude?"
FB: "What the heck yourself --- WHERE THE HECK is my WINTER BLANKET?"
HH: "In the garage where it belongs. It's SEPTEMBER."
And yep...he grew winter fuzzies seemingly overnight. Worse on his neck but also under his rainsheet. Sigh. Becky Krpan Turcotte we should be in the +30s in the Okanagan right now, not snowy AB. Like last year!
(FB: "+30? I'm coming too! I can fit in the jetta. I'm very squishable.")
Yes, I, who pretty much never whines about the snow, am doing so today. Welcome to Alberta, indeed.
As Hapless approaches, Butter...err...FUZZball, marches to the gate.
HH: "What the heck, dude?"
FB: "What the heck yourself --- WHERE THE HECK is my WINTER BLANKET?"
HH: "In the garage where it belongs. It's SEPTEMBER."
And yep...he grew winter fuzzies seemingly overnight. Worse on his neck but also under his rainsheet. Sigh. Becky Krpan Turcotte we should be in the +30s in the Okanagan right now, not snowy AB. Like last year!
(FB: "+30? I'm coming too! I can fit in the jetta. I'm very squishable.")
Yes, I, who pretty much never whines about the snow, am doing so today. Welcome to Alberta, indeed.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- August 1, 2014
On today's Conversations with the Butterball TeeBee, Butterball forgets how to walk through the gate when being turned out, and instead parks in the middle of it, in the way.
HH: "Good grief, Rascal. Can you not act like a normal horse instead of a weirdo?"
BB: "Who? Me?"
Right. Rascal. Normal. How silly of me. #humanfail
HH: "Good grief, Rascal. Can you not act like a normal horse instead of a weirdo?"
BB: "Who? Me?"
Right. Rascal. Normal. How silly of me. #humanfail
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- July 27, 2014
On today's conversations with the Butterball TeeBee, we find Butterball hanging in crossties, wishing for another day of holidays.
BB: "C'mon..I worked HARD in the clinic, doesn't that deserve more than one day off? Like at least two, better yet, even three."
HH: "Dude...I'm pretty darned sore, and would love to schlep around and do nothing, but we ain't gonna gain fitness by sitting on our butts."
BB: "I might gain a bigger butt...."
HH: "Yeah, me too. The wrong kind of bigger."
BB: "Fine, ,lets go....."
His lack of enthusiasm didn't last long. What. An. Amazing. Ride. I need to buy stock in the cookie company at the rate we're going through bags afterwards.... and he was pretty pleased with the extra meal Shelby fed him, too. Ess Pee Oh Eye Ell EEE Dee! SPOILED!
BB: "C'mon..I worked HARD in the clinic, doesn't that deserve more than one day off? Like at least two, better yet, even three."
HH: "Dude...I'm pretty darned sore, and would love to schlep around and do nothing, but we ain't gonna gain fitness by sitting on our butts."
BB: "I might gain a bigger butt...."
HH: "Yeah, me too. The wrong kind of bigger."
BB: "Fine, ,lets go....."
His lack of enthusiasm didn't last long. What. An. Amazing. Ride. I need to buy stock in the cookie company at the rate we're going through bags afterwards.... and he was pretty pleased with the extra meal Shelby fed him, too. Ess Pee Oh Eye Ell EEE Dee! SPOILED!
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- July 24, 2014
And so a tug of war ensued. Get up? NO! Get up? NO! C'mon Rascal, GET UP ALREADY. HELL NO!!!
Obviously, today's episode of Conversations with the ButterBall TeeBee really needs no words.
He did, eventually, get up. Eventually.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- July 14, 2014
On yesterday's Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee, the Hapless Human went off to catch him in semi-early hours, and instead of going through the gate, he promptly walked face first into a fence post. WTF, Rascal?
He led in with minimal enthusiasm, singing his own rendition of that aggravating radio song "I'm so Fancy." It went something like this:
"I'm so tiiireed, got no energy, walked facefirst into fencepost, and drug my feeeet" (clean white ones, through dust and dirt)
He THEN proceeded to strut his way to two scores over 70%. I am phenomenally blessed with a horse who steps into the ring and goes "OH! All eyes on me! I'M A SUPERSTAR" and proceeds to show off with every ounce of his being. Yes, someone thinks He is SO SPECIAL. And yes, He really is as special as he thinks he is.
He led in with minimal enthusiasm, singing his own rendition of that aggravating radio song "I'm so Fancy." It went something like this:
"I'm so tiiireed, got no energy, walked facefirst into fencepost, and drug my feeeet" (clean white ones, through dust and dirt)
He THEN proceeded to strut his way to two scores over 70%. I am phenomenally blessed with a horse who steps into the ring and goes "OH! All eyes on me! I'M A SUPERSTAR" and proceeds to show off with every ounce of his being. Yes, someone thinks He is SO SPECIAL. And yes, He really is as special as he thinks he is.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- July 11, 2014
On this break-of-dawn episode of "Conversations with the Butterball TB" the hapless human stumbles out in the wee hours to catch Butterball, and finds a brand new BEAUTIFUL green round bale in the field, beside a pile of old brown hay that really looks rather inedible. Arab is happily plowing through the new hay. Butterball, on the other hand, is picking painfully through the old stuff.
HH: "Dude, is there a reason you're not eating that nice new bale?"
BB: "Yeah...it's not fresh green grass."
HH: "And that brown hay is?"
BB "Well.....No.....but I'm staging a protest."
HH: "Alrighty then..protest away..."
BB: "Do we have to ride this morning? I'm kind of busy protesting the hay....."
HH: "Riding = cookies."
BB: "Well, get the halter on already!"
Well, at least he has SOME of his priorities straight......
HH: "Dude, is there a reason you're not eating that nice new bale?"
BB: "Yeah...it's not fresh green grass."
HH: "And that brown hay is?"
BB "Well.....No.....but I'm staging a protest."
HH: "Alrighty then..protest away..."
BB: "Do we have to ride this morning? I'm kind of busy protesting the hay....."
HH: "Riding = cookies."
BB: "Well, get the halter on already!"
Well, at least he has SOME of his priorities straight......
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- February 13, 2014
Previously, On yesterday's episode of Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee:
"Omigod, barrels! Gonna die!"
....
"Ohhhhh, horse living in the corner of the arena. Could be deadly!"
....
On TODAY's episode of Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee:
"Hey, bud, I need you to come in the kitchen with me so I can hit the button and open the big garage door."
"Ok! How? Through this tiny little narrow people door?"
"Um...yeah. Is that a problem?"
"Nope. Hey, look, I'm in a new room. Wow. I like this room. Can I live here?"
Um no, no you cannot. Crazy horse.
"Omigod, barrels! Gonna die!"
....
"Ohhhhh, horse living in the corner of the arena. Could be deadly!"
....
On TODAY's episode of Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee:
"Hey, bud, I need you to come in the kitchen with me so I can hit the button and open the big garage door."
"Ok! How? Through this tiny little narrow people door?"
"Um...yeah. Is that a problem?"
"Nope. Hey, look, I'm in a new room. Wow. I like this room. Can I live here?"
Um no, no you cannot. Crazy horse.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- January 11, 2014 PART 2
On today's SECOND episode of Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee, we find the Hapless human sitting on the butterball's back, in a lesson.
J: Let's try a walk-canter Transition
Hapless Human: "Um...really? Err...well..ok. Here we go."
Butterball: WOW! Canter! YIPPPEEEEEE WEEEEEE!!!!!
Hapless Human: What the???? Holy crap, I even stayed on.
J: In a canter transition, the FRONT end should elevate.... NOT the hind end.
Hapless: Yeah, hear that Butterball?
Butterball: No way. I did it TOTALLY RIGHT! Elevated butt = way more fun!
Hapless: Well..at least I stuck like glue! Could be the awesome kerrits full-seats.
And then, we stuck to nice, sedate trot-canter transitions to keep Butterball from getting over excited. He may have been disappointed, but I, personally, was not.
J: Let's try a walk-canter Transition
Hapless Human: "Um...really? Err...well..ok. Here we go."
Butterball: WOW! Canter! YIPPPEEEEEE WEEEEEE!!!!!
Hapless Human: What the???? Holy crap, I even stayed on.
J: In a canter transition, the FRONT end should elevate.... NOT the hind end.
Hapless: Yeah, hear that Butterball?
Butterball: No way. I did it TOTALLY RIGHT! Elevated butt = way more fun!
Hapless: Well..at least I stuck like glue! Could be the awesome kerrits full-seats.
And then, we stuck to nice, sedate trot-canter transitions to keep Butterball from getting over excited. He may have been disappointed, but I, personally, was not.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee - January 11, 2014 PART 1
On Today's first episode of Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee, the hapless human walks out to see the butterball meandering towards his hay, at the far, far end of the field.
Despite still being a distance away, the human randomly hollers. "Hey! You're going the wrong way!" Because....you know....they totally speak english.
Turns out...they do.
Butterball looks back. "OHHH! It's you! YAY!!!" Spin-trot-trot-BIGTROT-gallopandbuck to the gate!
Thanks bud...happy to see you too!
Despite still being a distance away, the human randomly hollers. "Hey! You're going the wrong way!" Because....you know....they totally speak english.
Turns out...they do.
Butterball looks back. "OHHH! It's you! YAY!!!" Spin-trot-trot-BIGTROT-gallopandbuck to the gate!
Thanks bud...happy to see you too!
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- December 5, 2013
On today's episode of Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee, we find the hapless owner taking a study break to go out and turn him out after his massage. She walks in the barn to find him blissfully enjoying life. And then.....he spotted her.
"Mom! Mom! I haven't seen you in FOREVER! Scratch my nose. Got a cookie?"
"It's only been 4 days."
"No. Forever. Nose?"
"4 lousy days."
"That's "FOREVER" in cookies. I'm starving. Mom. Mom! I'm getting a massage. Scratch my nose. Pet my head. Rub my ears. Feed me cookies!"
"Must you be a Nuissance?"
Our favorite Massage lady interjects here that someone, who shall remain nameless but he's kind of a bay cookie monster, was very well behaved until I showed up.
"Mom! scratch my nose again. Got more cookies?"
This continued, until he interrupted himself by smelling cookies in our favorite Massage lady's pocket. It is painfully obviously that someone has a bloodhound nose in a Thoroughbred body. He begged his way into the treats that weren't even his, and then the pest-like behavior resumes. "Mom! Got cookies?"
"Good grief, you're spoiled."
"Wonder why that is. Got a cookie?"
"YEAH! She's the cookie lady."
"NO shit, sherlock."
"Got more?"
.....repeat ad nauseum
.....repeat ad nauseum
"Blanket time."
"NO! NO blankets! It's warm inside and you have cookies in your pocket."
"YOu can have them when I turn you out. WOould you PLEASE quit twisting yourself up like a pretzel and let me do you neck up? You'll freeze to death like a Rascal-sicle without it and I cannot do it up when you're twisted in six directions."
Eventually they manage to get out the door.
"Hey, mom? It's cold out here. How about I climb in your pocket with those cookies."
"Would you please walk on my right side?"
"The cookies are in the left pocket. I'm gonna crawl in there."
"You. Don't. FIT."
"I can try."
"How about no."
"Ok. Here I am leading good. Oh, hey, can I try to climb in your pocket with the cookies?"
"NO."
"But...."
And so it repeated, from one end of the yard to the other. Someone is obviously WAY too cheerful and cheeky. And, oh, Fat, too. Definitely still living up to the Butterball part of his name.
Oh good lord, I love this horse.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee - November 20, 2013
On today's episode of "Conversations with the ButterBall Tee Bee" we find our hapless human trudging through the snow in sub sub zero temps to catch both horses. The tractor is a cruising and she can see the Miniature Warmblood and the Arab having "gallop and buck" races through the snow.
Meanwhile, the Butterball himself is hanging over the gate, practically salivating.
"Mom! Mom! Here I am! Catch me! You're catching me right?"
"Yes yes, patience. Is he going to stop running? I need him too."
"No you don't. Catch me."
"Oh, just a minute. I don't need to drag you with me while I catch him."
So the human trudges through the snow to end the buck-fest and catch Mini-Me. Butterball marches along leading as if he's caught. Mini-Me decides to play "catch me with you can" and by the time the human has him caught, Butterball is crabby.
"Hellloooo...Me? You're putting a halter on HIM. I'm leaving." Butterball turns his butt to us, bucks, and canters off. Then stops to look. "See how cranky I am?"
"Uh huh. Wanna be caught?"
"Yeah yeah yeah catchmecatchmeCATCHME!"
Ok then....
"I'm caught I'm caught."
"Yes, lets just get through the gates. There we go. To the barn."
"Wait. What's that?"
"What's what?"
"That. What happened to the tree?? OMIGODTHETHREEGOTEATENBYTHESNOWMONSTERWE'REALLGONNADIE. I'm STANDING on the snow monster it's gonna EAT ME ALIVE."
Snort, Snort, blow, snort, elevate....
"Really Rascal? REALLY?"
"It's touching my hooves. Oh god, and it's deeper here."
"It's a bank. Made by the plow. You've gone through them before. And you stand in snow all day, you lunatic."
"It's tooouuuccching meeee..."
"You're out now."
"OH. Wow. Look. It's still white under my feet but not trying to swallow me anymore."
"So we're good now?"
"Yup. We're good. Hey, you've got cookies at the barn, right?"
Ultimately, he was brilliantly cheeky but well behaved inside....and strangely enough the heavy-snow-cover on the tree wasn't even on his radar on the way back OUT to the pasture. Weirdo.
Seriously...he's in for a shock when he realizes that the tree-eating-snow-monster is going to be a permanent resident for at least six months......... Weirdo.
Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee -- October 21, 2013
October 21, 2013
On today's episode of "Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee", we find the idiot owner off to catch the miniature warmblood.
Rascal: (Walking up to meet me at the gate) "Yay! You're here! You're catching ME today, right? Right? RIGHT? Cause I counted and you caught HIM 4 times already and me ZERO."
Me: "Yep, but first I'm bringing HIM in, then I'll come back for you."
Rascal: (Following me back down the field) "Wait..wait..ME FIRST! Wait..wait...I smell...do I smell?"
Me: "Wait your turn you pest." (Catches Crockett)
Rascal: "I smell something. In your pocket. Yay!"
Me: (Leads Crockett away)
Rascal: "Hey! Wait! You're catching ME! Here, I'm coming too. I don't need a halter. I"ll lead by your pocket."
Me: "Leave that pocket alone, my keys and phone are in it."
Rascal: (shoves Crockett with his butt) "You should leave him and catch me."
Me: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait your turn. Oh, wait, here, there's another halter at the gate. Let's just take you both together."
Me: (Gets lead ropes untangled)
Rascal: "YAY I'm caught I'm caught! Let go of him. How 'bout the pocket?"
Me: (Takes them thru gate and to the next gate.)
Rascal: "Oooooooh, this is unexplored territory. SCARY."
Me: "Ummm..you've gone through this gate every time you go in and out of this pasture. Which is at LEAST 5 times since you moved in it two weeks ago."
Rascal: "Pretty sure it's different today."
Me: "Pretty sure not."
Rascal: "Pretty sure OMIGOD GONNA DIE MOM SAVE ME."
Me: "KNOCK IT OFF. JUMP ON ME AND DIE."
Rascal: "Holy crap, you're scary."
Me: "Remember that."
Rascal: "Ok. Oooh, look, grass."
Me: "Oooh, look, ADD border collie horse."
Rascal: "Huh? Can't hear you over grass chewing. Hey, your pocket smells good."
Me: (Continues to lead them down the driveway)
Rascal: "Let me in the pocket woman!"
Me: "How the hell do you know there's something in the pocket? I never feed you out of my pocket."
Rascal: "I am thoroughbred. I KNOW. LET ME IN THE POCKET"
Me: "BUZZ OFF AND LEAD LIKE A NORMAL HORSE."
Rascal: "Can't. You've got the pipsqueak too. I don't share. gonna bolt."
Me: "Don't you dare. Do you want what's in this pocket or not?"
Rascal: "Fine. Leading. Pocket?"
They then proceeded to enter the barn door and lead down into the aisle very well, and Rascal lunged like a freaking superstar despite the ridiculous theatrics that were the first 50 feet of leading in the great wide open. I guess stud muffins in the pocket will not be a re-occuring incident, either, since someone has the nose of a bloodhound.
On today's episode of "Conversations with the Butterball Tee-Bee", we find the idiot owner off to catch the miniature warmblood.
Rascal: (Walking up to meet me at the gate) "Yay! You're here! You're catching ME today, right? Right? RIGHT? Cause I counted and you caught HIM 4 times already and me ZERO."
Me: "Yep, but first I'm bringing HIM in, then I'll come back for you."
Rascal: (Following me back down the field) "Wait..wait..ME FIRST! Wait..wait...I smell...do I smell?"
Me: "Wait your turn you pest." (Catches Crockett)
Rascal: "I smell something. In your pocket. Yay!"
Me: (Leads Crockett away)
Rascal: "Hey! Wait! You're catching ME! Here, I'm coming too. I don't need a halter. I"ll lead by your pocket."
Me: "Leave that pocket alone, my keys and phone are in it."
Rascal: (shoves Crockett with his butt) "You should leave him and catch me."
Me: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait your turn. Oh, wait, here, there's another halter at the gate. Let's just take you both together."
Me: (Gets lead ropes untangled)
Rascal: "YAY I'm caught I'm caught! Let go of him. How 'bout the pocket?"
Me: (Takes them thru gate and to the next gate.)
Rascal: "Oooooooh, this is unexplored territory. SCARY."
Me: "Ummm..you've gone through this gate every time you go in and out of this pasture. Which is at LEAST 5 times since you moved in it two weeks ago."
Rascal: "Pretty sure it's different today."
Me: "Pretty sure not."
Rascal: "Pretty sure OMIGOD GONNA DIE MOM SAVE ME."
Me: "KNOCK IT OFF. JUMP ON ME AND DIE."
Rascal: "Holy crap, you're scary."
Me: "Remember that."
Rascal: "Ok. Oooh, look, grass."
Me: "Oooh, look, ADD border collie horse."
Rascal: "Huh? Can't hear you over grass chewing. Hey, your pocket smells good."
Me: (Continues to lead them down the driveway)
Rascal: "Let me in the pocket woman!"
Me: "How the hell do you know there's something in the pocket? I never feed you out of my pocket."
Rascal: "I am thoroughbred. I KNOW. LET ME IN THE POCKET"
Me: "BUZZ OFF AND LEAD LIKE A NORMAL HORSE."
Rascal: "Can't. You've got the pipsqueak too. I don't share. gonna bolt."
Me: "Don't you dare. Do you want what's in this pocket or not?"
Rascal: "Fine. Leading. Pocket?"
They then proceeded to enter the barn door and lead down into the aisle very well, and Rascal lunged like a freaking superstar despite the ridiculous theatrics that were the first 50 feet of leading in the great wide open. I guess stud muffins in the pocket will not be a re-occuring incident, either, since someone has the nose of a bloodhound.
Adventures of a Mutton Buster - November 14, 2012
On today's episode of "Adventures of a Mutton-Buster" we find our derpy-est border collie (Nano) picking a fight with Millie the Komondore. Just as he is about to get soundly trounced, Hanne the cranky Marema sweeps in like an avenging angel and saves his sorry Derpy bacon.
Then we find the sheep obstructing the gate to their grain pen with Genius-farmer on the other side. Genius (and we use this term with great alacrity) figures the best option is to drive them off the gate since the snow obstructs opening it the other way (and who wants to go find a shovel?). Unfortunately, Star herding dogs Dot and Mik are not up to this task, insisting that they push the sheep to Genius, and therefore closer to the gate. Oh no! Mixed signals somewhere! (Possibly in Genius, who is missing an integral command).
But wait! Genius has a brainwave! (Oh Oh). Why not fire star herding dogs, and instead enlist the help of......
... None other than Braniac-Border-Collie Sheepdog-In-Training Superstar-in-her-own-Mind....LEX!
Braniac is more than up to this task, except that her understanding of it is limited to "chase sheep!". So Genius calls her back, takes her by the collar, and ducks around the gate dragging Braniac (Note to Genius: Take a leash out tomorrow) in between the gate and the flock. Genius lets Braniac go and she sweeps the gate, the sheep begin to move off, and it looks like..Succes....WAIT! Derpy dog races to the back and shoves the sheep right back onto the gate! Genius gets pinned! Bad Derpy! Genius fires Derpy and calls Braniac to come to her, effectively shoving the sheep off the gate, Gate swings open, sheep get to their grain, and another task is marked successfully completed with minimal frustration and ZERO bloodshed.
Will tomorrow be as lucky? Stay tuned for our next episode of..."Adventures of a MUTTON-BUSTER"
Then we find the sheep obstructing the gate to their grain pen with Genius-farmer on the other side. Genius (and we use this term with great alacrity) figures the best option is to drive them off the gate since the snow obstructs opening it the other way (and who wants to go find a shovel?). Unfortunately, Star herding dogs Dot and Mik are not up to this task, insisting that they push the sheep to Genius, and therefore closer to the gate. Oh no! Mixed signals somewhere! (Possibly in Genius, who is missing an integral command).
But wait! Genius has a brainwave! (Oh Oh). Why not fire star herding dogs, and instead enlist the help of......
... None other than Braniac-Border-Collie Sheepdog-In-Training Superstar-in-her-own-Mind....LEX!
Braniac is more than up to this task, except that her understanding of it is limited to "chase sheep!". So Genius calls her back, takes her by the collar, and ducks around the gate dragging Braniac (Note to Genius: Take a leash out tomorrow) in between the gate and the flock. Genius lets Braniac go and she sweeps the gate, the sheep begin to move off, and it looks like..Succes....WAIT! Derpy dog races to the back and shoves the sheep right back onto the gate! Genius gets pinned! Bad Derpy! Genius fires Derpy and calls Braniac to come to her, effectively shoving the sheep off the gate, Gate swings open, sheep get to their grain, and another task is marked successfully completed with minimal frustration and ZERO bloodshed.
Will tomorrow be as lucky? Stay tuned for our next episode of..."Adventures of a MUTTON-BUSTER"
Adventures of a Mutton Buster...the beginning
January 9, 2009
Once again, I learn a valuable lesson during my foray into the life of those wonderful wooly things I truly do enjoy.
So I am currently in charge of, and the sole caretaker of, a fair sized flock of sheep, four horses, five border collies, A mirema cross and a Komondor. Oh, and a bunch of cats and some cool tropical fish, including piranhas who would rather eat fish food than the guppies whose population they were brought into control.
This, of course, involves a rather detailed number of chores. I start with graining the sheep, which is sometimes relatively easy, as Dot the border collie is desperate to work and usually doesnt' allow the sheep near their feeders until called off. This is great if it means I can get the grain dumped before the sheep get there - much easier than tripping over, being shoved by, carried by, and knocked down by a whole flock of supposedly starving (I know the truth, though!) woolen beasts. They may be little, but they ARE mighty.
Of course, usually It doesn't work that way. Dot thinks it's much more fun to just control their movement to the feeders and still let them get there - ever so slowly - because it's way more fun to hide under the long feeder and randomly grab a leg and send a sheep flying over/into/through the feeder than it is to just hold them off. So often, I'm left navigating the floodwaters of wool anyways, while the border collies help by making their movements even MORE frantic.
That done, I feed the two small corrals - the rams and a couple of ewes, and fork hay around in their feeders. The coarse stuff they don't eat goes to the horses.
Then, and this is where it got interesting today, I take a large tarp and haul a few tarpfuls of hay from around some of the bales in the pen with the bulk of the flock - the mature ewes - and haul the tarpfuls to the horses. They have four bales standing up, each with a wire cage around them. Once the ewes eat head holes in the hay, the cage is peeled back, layers of hay forked off, and cage replaced. Then, once they've picked through the hay forked off, it's fair game for the horses. So I'm off forking hay onto the tarp, impeded as usual by numerous border collies who all insist on sitting right where I want to pick up hay, or right where I want to throw it, or fight on the tarp in the middle of my hay pile, or.... well, you name it, they're doing it. Anything to be underfoot.
Apparently, though, my calculated decision to not fork a bale to the core yesterday was the wrong one, though, as today I was not only joined by all of the dogs, but by about 70 sheep, all billowing around me, milling on the tarp, making sure I could most certainly not get the hay onto it ... and oh, they didn't want to EAT it because they knew they'd already picked through it and eaten their preferred bits... but of course, if they get in the way, I'll feed them too, right?
Well, eventually, sure. But at the moment, I had horses to feed. So I did what any sheep loving, farm girl would do. I went "pssshhhhhttttt" and made a careful shooing motion with both the pitchfork and my arms.
Apparently, this was the wrong answer.
Next thing I knew, EVERY dog on the property was galvanalized into action. Not only the 5 border collies, but also the Mirema AND the Komondor, who are usually dignified enough to NOT get in on it, especially since their job is to guard the sheep, not herd them. Not only that, but there wasn't a single animal trying to do something in the same direction as another. How seven dogs can go seven different directions even I can't figure out. Everything was a huge flurry of activity, there was black and white and WHITE everywhere...and none of it was snow. I did catch Hanne, the Mirema, dragging a ewe by the scruff of her wool, but other than that, I coudln't even tell you who was where. So this scurrying flurry of sheep and dogs went flying around helter-skelter .... my cease and desist commands useless. So I took the opportunity to remove a cage and start forking hay around a bale.
Eventually, the dogs listened to me, and everything settled down, except the sheep, who were frantically eating like their lives depended on it...and the border collies, who randomly charged into the flock to scatter them whenever they thought I wasn't looking. And the Mirema and Komondor, who were busy playing "Leap-CRASH" in which they leap in to the air and crash into each other, fall down, get up, repeat...... in the snow.
I did get the horses fed, and the sheep are now happy campers until morning...and, by the way, they certainly aren't skinny... And the dogs are bursting with energy as the weather warms... And I, well, once again, I learned a valuable lesson. Never say "pssshhhttt" and try and shoo sheep. Especially when there are over-eager, super helpful dogs involved.
Once again, I learn a valuable lesson during my foray into the life of those wonderful wooly things I truly do enjoy.
So I am currently in charge of, and the sole caretaker of, a fair sized flock of sheep, four horses, five border collies, A mirema cross and a Komondor. Oh, and a bunch of cats and some cool tropical fish, including piranhas who would rather eat fish food than the guppies whose population they were brought into control.
This, of course, involves a rather detailed number of chores. I start with graining the sheep, which is sometimes relatively easy, as Dot the border collie is desperate to work and usually doesnt' allow the sheep near their feeders until called off. This is great if it means I can get the grain dumped before the sheep get there - much easier than tripping over, being shoved by, carried by, and knocked down by a whole flock of supposedly starving (I know the truth, though!) woolen beasts. They may be little, but they ARE mighty.
Of course, usually It doesn't work that way. Dot thinks it's much more fun to just control their movement to the feeders and still let them get there - ever so slowly - because it's way more fun to hide under the long feeder and randomly grab a leg and send a sheep flying over/into/through the feeder than it is to just hold them off. So often, I'm left navigating the floodwaters of wool anyways, while the border collies help by making their movements even MORE frantic.
That done, I feed the two small corrals - the rams and a couple of ewes, and fork hay around in their feeders. The coarse stuff they don't eat goes to the horses.
Then, and this is where it got interesting today, I take a large tarp and haul a few tarpfuls of hay from around some of the bales in the pen with the bulk of the flock - the mature ewes - and haul the tarpfuls to the horses. They have four bales standing up, each with a wire cage around them. Once the ewes eat head holes in the hay, the cage is peeled back, layers of hay forked off, and cage replaced. Then, once they've picked through the hay forked off, it's fair game for the horses. So I'm off forking hay onto the tarp, impeded as usual by numerous border collies who all insist on sitting right where I want to pick up hay, or right where I want to throw it, or fight on the tarp in the middle of my hay pile, or.... well, you name it, they're doing it. Anything to be underfoot.
Apparently, though, my calculated decision to not fork a bale to the core yesterday was the wrong one, though, as today I was not only joined by all of the dogs, but by about 70 sheep, all billowing around me, milling on the tarp, making sure I could most certainly not get the hay onto it ... and oh, they didn't want to EAT it because they knew they'd already picked through it and eaten their preferred bits... but of course, if they get in the way, I'll feed them too, right?
Well, eventually, sure. But at the moment, I had horses to feed. So I did what any sheep loving, farm girl would do. I went "pssshhhhhttttt" and made a careful shooing motion with both the pitchfork and my arms.
Apparently, this was the wrong answer.
Next thing I knew, EVERY dog on the property was galvanalized into action. Not only the 5 border collies, but also the Mirema AND the Komondor, who are usually dignified enough to NOT get in on it, especially since their job is to guard the sheep, not herd them. Not only that, but there wasn't a single animal trying to do something in the same direction as another. How seven dogs can go seven different directions even I can't figure out. Everything was a huge flurry of activity, there was black and white and WHITE everywhere...and none of it was snow. I did catch Hanne, the Mirema, dragging a ewe by the scruff of her wool, but other than that, I coudln't even tell you who was where. So this scurrying flurry of sheep and dogs went flying around helter-skelter .... my cease and desist commands useless. So I took the opportunity to remove a cage and start forking hay around a bale.
Eventually, the dogs listened to me, and everything settled down, except the sheep, who were frantically eating like their lives depended on it...and the border collies, who randomly charged into the flock to scatter them whenever they thought I wasn't looking. And the Mirema and Komondor, who were busy playing "Leap-CRASH" in which they leap in to the air and crash into each other, fall down, get up, repeat...... in the snow.
I did get the horses fed, and the sheep are now happy campers until morning...and, by the way, they certainly aren't skinny... And the dogs are bursting with energy as the weather warms... And I, well, once again, I learned a valuable lesson. Never say "pssshhhttt" and try and shoo sheep. Especially when there are over-eager, super helpful dogs involved.
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